Things Everyone Should Know About Sex

Whether you are enjoying sex or not matters! Pursuing your own pleasure is important. Sex is not just about pleasing the other person.

Have sex with someone who wants to turn you on and make you feel good.

Sex is not a duty you owe someone. If you are not in the mood or don't want to, then you don't have to.

No one owes you sex.  

If someone says ‘no’, respect them. Don't take it as a sign to pursue them or wear them down. Consent is not a game to win or something to take. If someone wants to be seduced, they will reciprocate enthusiastically. 

It’s cool to say ‘no’! If you don't want to go further with someone, that’s your decision. 

You are not obligated to start a sexual act or finish one you initiated. 

Not everyone knows what they are doing the first time (or at any time). Sex can be awkward and weird for everyone. Rather than pretending to know what you are doing, ask questions like ‘show me how you like to be touched’ or ‘show me a position you want to try’. 

You don’t have to take a passive role. Build confidence asking for what you want by thinking about your active desires.

Open communication is not a sign of weakness – rather, it makes you seem like a confident lover. Communication can help both of you get more relaxed and confident while also ensuring there is consent.

Talking about and enjoying sex is natural. If your sexual partner shames you for talking about consent or your desires – or if they do not respect your boundaries – then they are not someone you want to be having sex with.

Communicating what you want is sexy and how sex gets better. Don’t fake having an orgasm to make someone feel better. Tell your sexual partner what you like and how they can help you get there.

It is normal not to be able to orgasm from penetrative sex. Get comfortable talking to your sexual partner about this and explore other ways (solo or mutually) that you can get pleasure and satisfaction from intimacy. 

Don't suffer through bad sex just to please the other person or because you already said ‘yes’. If they just aren’t doing it for you, then you can withdraw consent at any time. Try to be as clear as possible, so they know you no longer want to continue.

Give yourself permission to seek pleasure and learn to advocate for it. It is okay to say when something isn’t working for you, but remember to be respectful of the other person and to not shame them. You could suggest a different position or whatever you think would make sex more enjoyable for both of you.

You do not owe anyone pleasantness or politeness when they are not respecting your boundaries. If you rebuke their advances and they persist, then speak up, seek help or get out of there if you feel safe to do so. You are never obliged to stay in a situation where you feel uncomfortable.

Sex does not start and end at your orgasm. Don’t be afraid to ask your sexual partner what they enjoy or get them to show you. There is also no need to continue just to achieve one if neither of you wants to.  

What happens in porn is not natural or normal, but a performance by porn actors that is scripted and edited. It is important to remember that not all porn is consensual. The sexual activities may be outside consent. The filming may also be done without knowledge or consent.

Ask your sexual partner what they like and what they want to try. This will help ensure you are within consent.

Spend time on foreplay! This is also a great way to slowly build consent and communication with someone. Start slow, then ask what they want you to do next. Sex is not a race to orgasm or only about penetration. Sex doesn't even have to involve penetration. 

Sex is not a failure if you don’t finish. There are so many other enjoyable things you can do together – oral sex, making out, mutual masturbation, etc. 

There are no such things as ‘mixed signals’ where consent is concerned. If you are unsure, then it is a ‘no’!

Contraception and Sexual Health

What is non-negotiable for you?

Examples might include condom use or being tested for STIs before having sex for the first time. Thinking about your deal breakers can help you be more confident in discussing them.

What protection are you using / who is bringing it? 

If someone does not respect your preferred method of contraception or avoids talking about it with you, they may be outside consent. 

It is always a good idea to have contraception with you if you think there is a possibility you will have sex BUT having a condom (or being on the pill) does not mean you consent to sex.

Do you need to disclose your sexual health history and risk factors and/or ask about theirs?

Avoid using words like ‘dirty’ and ‘clean’ when discussing sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Anyone who is sexually active can get an STI. 

If someone shames or blames you for your STI status, ask yourself whether you still want to have sex with them.

If someone avoids talking about STIs or dismisses your questions, do you want to have sex with them? 

Triggers and Safe Words

A trigger is a situation that makes you feel unsafe or uncomfortable. It can be due to previous bad experiences or trauma, but it might just be something you’ve learned doesn’t feel right to you.

What triggers are you aware of? How can they be avoided? What do you need the other person to do if they accidentally trigger you? It might be helpful to talk to your sexual partner about this. You could say:

When I am naked with you it helps if you could …

Talking about my body [in this way] makes me feel uncomfortable.

It makes me feel tense when you touch me like … Maybe we can try doing … instead.

Safe words can be used to stop physical acts, but they can also be helpful if you’re emotionally triggered. 

Choose a word or signal (generally something that you don't say in sex) that means ‘stop everything’. 

What do you want the other person to do if you say that word? How can they support and nurture you?

What would you do if your sexual partner used a safe word? How could you support them?

You must also respect your sexual partner’s boundaries and triggers and make sure they feel safe and valued. 

• Asking what they want and like will ensure you stay within consent and make sex more pleasurable.

• Actively listen to their boundaries and triggers without judgement and make sure you honour and respect them.

• Respecting boundaries and triggers means not holding it against them, making them feel ashamed or guilty or taking it as a personal rejection.

If your sexual partner says ‘no’ or appears uncomfortable, then you have to listen to them. Honouring consent is paramount in any sexual relationship. 

Writing a list of what you like, your deal breakers, your standards and things you might like to try can be helpful:

If you feel comfortable, you could share this list with your sexual partner. If you feel too anxious doing it face to face, then you could send a text or voice note. Get them to write their own list: what matches, what doesn't, are you curious to try something new?  

BUT just because something is in their ‘yes’ or ‘maybe’ columns does not mean you have to try it. Everyone has different sexual desires and it is never okay for anyone to pressure you or shame you for yours. 

Also, just because something is in their ‘yes’ or ‘maybe’ columns doesn’t mean they will consent to it with you. You still need to check in with them at the time to make sure they’re ready and want to go ahead with you. 

Can you talk to your friends, siblings or parents about sex and consent? 

• Reaching out to others can help destigmatise sex, our desires, experiences and preferences.  

• Talking to others can broaden your horizons with respect to sex. It can help us learn how to advocate and navigate sex and relationships with self-compassion and respect. It can also help us recognise when we are being mistreated. 

Learn How to Say ‘No’!

Saying ‘no’ isn’t easy. It can be uncomfortable, awkward and scary. 

But practising saying ‘no’ in other areas of your life can help build confidence voicing what you do (and don't) want.

• No, I don't want to see that movie. I would rather see this one. 

• No, I don't want to go out for dinner. I want to have solo time.

• No, I don’t agree with that opinion. Here’s what I think.

• No, I feel bad when I hear you say things like that. Please stop.

Practice saying ‘no’ in different settings. You might want to try saying ‘no’ to your teachers, parents, friends or your boss at work. Try to be assertive and calm, but also respectful. You could start with your friends or siblings and then build up to more challenging situations. You could practice by yourself in the mirror before standing up to other people.                                  

It is okay to assert your boundaries to anyone, no matter their authority. Practising expressing your values and boundaries in different life settings can help you do it in your sex life as well. 

But remember that not saying ‘no’ does not mean you are consenting or that a rape or sexual assault was your fault. Saying ‘no’ can be very difficult, particularly when the other person is aggressive, has some express or implied power over you or you just want to impress them. No amount of practice can ensure the freeze or fawn responses do not take over. This is your body protecting you and is ultimately outside your control.

Remember that your pleasure is important!

It is okay to voice your desires (or show the other person how you want to be touched) even if you feel nervous. Getting curious may be awkward at first, but knowing what you do and don't like is often learned just through trying new things solo or with someone else.  

It can take some time to feel confident about our sexual experiences and get comfortable talking about sex with others. So don't pressure yourself to know the answers to these questions straight away. Exploring your sexual desires is a journey. The more you practice, the more curious you will get, and the more your sexual confidence will increase. 

Practice the Language

It may feel awkward when you first start voicing what you want to your sexual partner. The best way to dispel awkwardness is to be upfront and genuine. 

Practice talking by yourself in the mirror. It may feel silly but the more comfortable you get saying the words out loud the easier it will become. 

Introducing dirty talk into your boundary checking and slowing things down can build tension and make sex more enjoyable. 

• Look the person in the eye and express your desires in detail, but don't act on it. Wait for their response. 

• Ask someone to do something to you or themselves, then wait and see how they respond.

• Use your hands to show on yourself what you want the other person to do to you or ask them to show you on them.  

BUT if you feel scared or intimidated discussing your desires and standards with your sexual partner – or they do not respond positively and curiously to your questions – then it is a good idea to assess if and why you want to have sex with them. Never do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. 

The same consent rules that apply to sex also apply to sexting:

• Never put pressure on somebody or bother them to take or share images or videos they’re not comfortable with. 

• If someone says ‘no’ or seems unsure about taking or sending photos or videos, then you need to respect this and do not ask them again. 

• Always assume that you cannot show anyone else the images or videos, share them or post them online. Only share or post images or videos if you have enthusiastic and explicit consent.  

Safety, trust and boundary setting all make sexting sexy and consensual. 

The Menu

Set out from the start what you are specifically comfortable doing that session. It could be anything from:

I don't feel like having sex with you but I would be happy to give you a massage. 

I like spending time with you, I am enjoying kissing but that is all I feel comfortable doing tonight. 

I think it would be hot if we … Are you keen to try that now?

Can I (describe in detail what you want to do to them) with you now?

On the Table

Once you have a relationship of mutual respect with your sexual partner, you may both feel comfortable tapering your communication about consent.  

This means you may not feel the need to ask and give consent every step of the way. Instead you can talk about what things are generally on the table for you anytime you are being intimate (for example, grabbing your hair, squeezing your arse, kissing you there). 

Once trust is established, you could establish a policy that you’ll say ‘no’ or another safe word to anything you don't want rather than ‘yes’ every time. However, getting to this level of communication takes time and patience. There’s no need to rush this before you’re comfortable. 

Where there are threats, intimidation, coercion or use of authority there is no consent. But how can you advocate for yourself if you are in this situation?

• Learn to recognise when someone may be trying to exert power over you. This may involve recognising uncomfortable or unsafe feelings that come from being under pressure or coercion. 

• Build confidence by speaking up and being assertive in other settings like in class or at work.

• Practice setting boundaries and asking for what you want in your family and social life. Try speaking calmly but firmly. Try not to ramble or let the other person distract you from speaking up for yourself. This can be difficult but gets easier over time. 

• Work out your boundaries over the sexual intimacy you want and let your friends know. This can build confidence for communicating your boundaries to others when needed.

If you feel uncomfortable, it is okay to walk away from any situation. Your safety and well-being is paramount and more important than being polite. Anyone who is harassing you or trying to negotiate your boundaries against your will does not deserve your attention. 

BUT remember that even if you are confident advocating for yourself in these situations, when faced with a threatening situation and potential sexual violence IT IS NORMAL TO FREEZE OR FAWN. These are automatic bodily responses to fear and terror and are outside your control. 

Unequal Power Dynamics within a Sexual Relationship 

How Can You Recognise Sexual Coercion?

Any sexual relationship, whether long-term or casual, needs respect and trust. Both partners in a relationship have a right to respect and safety and to make decisions equally. A healthy relationship is not one where you live in fear or where the other person tries to control or coerce you. This could occur when someone manipulates an unequal power dynamic to pressure or persuade you to submit to unwanted sexual activity.

It is important to be able to recognise sexual coercion and know that it is not part of a healthy relationship:

• Do you feel uncomfortable talking to your sexual partner about sex and consent? 

• Do you feel your desires and boundaries are not respected when it comes to sex and consent?

• Do you agree to engage in sexual activity when you don't want to? 

• Do you engage in sexual acts that your sexual partner wants even though they are not what you want to do, painful, uncomfortable, to keep the peace or to avoid arguments? 

If you answer ‘yes’ to any of these questions, it is a very good indication that you are a victim of sexual coercion. Ending a coercive relationship can be very difficult, but if you need support there are people you can talk to. A list of helplines and services can be found here.