Communication
Sexual Narratives
We have all seen this scene in TV and movies before.
A woman and a man are sitting on couch. He tries to kiss her. She says ‘no’, stands up and walks away. He grabs her hand, pulls her back and kisses her again. As if by magic her anger melts into desire and she kisses him back.
This scene has become part of the so-called ‘seduction game’ between men and women, when protesting is seen as flirtation and sexual encounters are conquests. It is based on the idea that women should ‘play hard to get’ and will offer token resistance to sex they really want to protect their reputations.
It is therefore a man’s ‘job’ to initiate sex and chase the woman while she will act coy or demure and wait for him to seduce her. The woman will say ‘no’ but what she really is suggesting is ‘yes’ and it is for the man to win her over by his charm and persistence. Once he does so, the woman’s token resistance will simply dissolve into his and her pleasure.
These ‘seduction scripts’ do not reflect reality and only seek to reinforce unhealthy and toxic gender roles regarding sex and intimacy. In reality, women are initiators of and active participants in sex and men can control themselves and not pursue sex without an enthusiastic ‘yes’.
The onus is not on women to monitor their behaviour to see if they are giving off ‘mixed signals’. Inviting someone home with you, having a drink with them or accepting their offer to pay for a date does not mean you owe anybody sex or are consenting.
The onus is on the initiator, whether they identify as male, female or non-binary, to make sure they have enthusiastic consent. If you need to convince or persuade someone to have sex with you, then you do not have consent.
A refusal is not the start of a negotiation. ‘No’ means ‘no’. Silence and non-resistance mean ‘no’.
‘No’ or silence is not a challenge.
‘No’ or silence doesn’t mean ‘try again’.
‘No’ or silence doesn’t mean ‘get me in the mood’.
‘No’ or silence doesn’t mean ‘get me to lower my defences’.
Example 28
The Freeze Response
‘Why didn’t you try to run away, shout out or fight back?’ This is a frequent question asked of rape and sexual assault victims.
However, most victims do not scream or struggle. It is more common for victims to freeze than physically or verbally resist. Why is this the case?
When we are in a frightening or threatening situation our brains will instantly respond to the danger, causing our bodies to react automatically to the threat. These are called fight, flight or freeze responses.
These responses were developed by humans thousands of years ago to protect us from predators. When we are faced with fear and stress, these ancient survival instincts can kick in without our conscious control.
Some victims will immediately try and fight back or flee when facing a frightening situation. Many others, whether identifying as male, female or non-binary, don’t because freezing is just as instinctive to us as flight or fight. We do not get to choose which one we experience in the moment of panic.
Freezing is a very common response to rape or sexual assault regardless of whether the perpetrator is a stranger or someone you know.
However, freezing is not giving consent.
It is a normal and involuntary physiological response to an intense threat. Freezing is caused by stress hormones flooding through the body, giving it the chance to go into self-preservation mode to increase your odds of survival.
Freezing may be an inability to move, act or speak. You may dissociate from the situation, your brain may go blank or you may feel like you are ‘out of your body’ or watching the assault happen from far away.
Freezing or failing to resist rape or sexual assault does not mean you are to blame, you consented or you wanted it. It is an immediate and instinctive survival response to danger that happens to male, female and non-binary victims over which you have no control. It is your brain’s way of trying to protect you from further harm and is nothing to be ashamed about.
Example 29
During terrifying ordeals, rational thoughts and behaviours often do not arise as options in the brain. Rather, the brain resorts to reflexes and habits to protect you.
When faced with a threat, it is a normal reaction for your brain to go blank, disassociate or repeat simple thoughts such as ‘this can’t be happening’ or ‘it must be a dream’. Alternatively, your brain could become fixated on a single thought such as ‘if I lie still, he can’t hurt me any more than this’.
Your brain could also become paralysed between two opposite responses, both extreme and horrible such as ‘if I scream people will see me in this humiliating moment, I better just let this happen’.
In these situations, your brain is doing what humans have been doing for centuries. It is acting instinctively to protect you and your response is nothing to be ashamed about.
Example 30
Appeasing the Perpetrator: The Tend/Befriend Response
When faced with a terrifying threat, victims may not fight, they may not run, they may not scream. They may not even freeze. Instead they may try to fawn, appease or befriend the perpetrator. Like the freeze response, this is a common and normal response to sexual trauma.
Tend and Befriend
Like the flight, fight and freeze responses, tend and befriend (or fawning) is also an instinctive and automatic reaction to stress or danger.
Evolutionarily, the tend and befriend response developed among women as a way to protect their offspring in times of stress. Fight or flight was not always possible when pregnant or caring for children, while befriending others in the group could increase the chances of survival.
Rather than risk the escalation of violence, victims may try to deescalate the threat through social interactions, by talking or tending to the emotional needs of themselves or others, including the perpetrator.
Befriending can look like:
Placating them or trying to calm them down
Bargaining with them (for example, asking that they wear a condom)
Flattering or being nice to them
Fawning over them (for example, trying to please them or win them over)
Befriending or fawning over the perpetrator is not giving consent. It is an instinctive survival mechanism that humans have been doing for centuries in order to survive trauma or danger.
Example 31
Freeze and Appease
Many victims may freeze and try to appease the perpetrator as a harm reduction tactic, thinking that submission may quell aggression.
If you fight back, try to leave or say ‘no’, who knows what will happen. Maybe the person will hit you, not let you leave, use a weapon, be more aggressive or kill you. Maybe you know what will happen because you have said ‘no’ before (to that person or someone else) and suffered adverse consequences. In these situations, submission is about limiting the harm you are about to face.
Appeasing the perpetrator is not giving consent. It is an instinctive survival mechanism when faced with aggression.
Why do Victims Stay in Contact with the Perpetrator?
Sometimes victims of sexual violence will maintain contact with their abuser afterwards. This does not mean they consented.
There is no right or wrong way to behave after a rape or sexual assault. People may stay in contact or ‘befriend’ their abuser for a number of reasons:
They feel shame, embarrassment or guilt and want to pretend it didn't happen or for things to go back to normal.
The perpetrator has actual or perceived power over the victim (for example, a boss, teacher or someone who could influence their career progression) or is within their social circle. Therefore, it is easier to maintain contact to avoid retaliation or isolation.
By reframing the assault or focusing on the perpetrator’s good qualities, it can help to minimise the trauma or regain control.
People identifying as women are also socialised to be cooperative and compliant rather than aggressive or angry towards men. Being nice and polite feels safer than confrontation.
Befriending or appeasing the perpetrator after rape or sexual assault does not mean consent. It is just another way of trying to survive.
Example 32
Ensuring Consent
It is important to not only ensure your sexual partner is consenting at the start of the sexual encounter, but also to check in and make sure consent is ongoing.
The only way to know for sure if someone has given consent is if they tell you.If you’re not sure, then ask.
Questions you could ask when you want to have sex with someone could be:
Are you happy doing this?
Do you want to go further?
Is there anything you don't want to do?
Do you want me to stop?
Consent can also be expressed through positive body language such as engaged smiling, laughing, making eye contact, touching eagerly or being responsive to your touch. Remember body language is not a replacement for verbal consentbut can be a good way to reinforce it.
Asking questions and being aware of signs of discomfort helps you recognise if the other person is enthusiastically consenting to the sexual activity.
If their body language is unclear or inconsistent, then don't make assumptions. The best thing to do is stop and ask if they are okay and whether they want to continue. If they are hesitant, unsure or offer excuses, then given them time and space to decide without pressure.
You could say:
You don’t seem comfortable, why don't you think it over and maybe we can try some other time.
We don't have to have sex today, would you feel better if we just …
We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.
Myth
Asking for consent will kill the mood.
Truth
Asking for consent and setting the mood are the same thing! It doesn't have to be awkward or complicated, it can be as simple as talking dirty or asking your sexual partner how they’re feeling.
There are many sexy ways to ask for consent such as:
Can I kiss/touch/take your shirt off?
I really want to do … to you, is that okay?
It would be hot if we … Would you like that?
Giving consent may sound like:
Keep doing that
That feels good
Give me more
Put your hand there
Will you do this …
I like it when you …
Not having to second guess what the other person is thinking can also help us feel safe and ‘get out of our heads’ while having sex. Therefore, we are more likely to relax and let our bodies enjoy the experience.
Myth
She agreed to make out, so I will have sex tonight.
Truth
Slow down. Just because someone consents to one thing does not mean they consent to everything. It is important to respect their boundaries and check in with them before you change the type or degree of sexual activity.
Build it up slowly and get continuing, reciprocated consent before you escalate to each intimate act. For example, if you are touching the other person outside their underwear and you want to take theirs off, or you are having vaginal sex and want to try anal sex, try asking:
I would love to try … are you keen?
Would you like me to … ?
Consent constantly changes and everyone has the right to say ‘no’, slow down or change their mind at any time for any reason. There is no rush or reason to have sex with someone or try something new if you do not feel comfortable.
If you do not feel comfortable with how things are progressing, it is normal and okay to tell them how you are feeling by saying:
I want to slow down
I want to stop
Let’s take a break / let’s pause this
That doesn’t feel good
I don't like doing … I would rather go back to …
If you feel comfortable with that person, it may be helpful to be open and honest about why you want to stop. However, you do not need an excuse or reason to say ‘no’. It is okay to stop at any time without having or giving a reason.
Myth
Consent only matters when you first start dating someone. It’s not important in long-term relationships.
Truth
Even in a long-term relationship consent can never be implied. It is always continuous, ongoing and necessary.
Being in a relationship does not mean you have consented to everything they want to do or you should have to compromise on consent. Just because they did something for you does not mean you have to have sex with them.
Being in a relationship does not mean your partner can pressure or guilt you into having sex with them – for example, saying ‘if you love me, you will do …’, ‘I always do …. for you, so you should do …. for me’ or reacting negatively (such as sulking or yelling) when you say ‘no’.
Example 33
Ongoing consent does not need to make sex boring or routine. Keeping consent as an ongoing dialogue and part of your sex life will allow you to explore sex more openly and enjoyably.
Identifying Reluctance and Discomfort
Consent is not a one-off contract. It continues throughout the sexual activity.
People often feel nervous and shy to talk about sex and consent. It can seem confusing if you don't get a flat out ‘no’ or if it seems like they change their mind halfway through.
That's why it is important to always make sure you have an enthusiastic ‘yes’ before you start or try something new, even if you have been in a relationship for a long time.
Some signs that indicate someone is not comfortable could include:
Their body language or facial expressions seem tense or uncomfortable
They are holding their arms tightly across their chest, pushing you away, turning away from you or not responding to your touch
They are frozen, their muscles stiffen or they are no longer actively participating
They tense up when you touch them rather than relaxing or actively responding
They say ‘maybe’, ‘I don't know’ or stay silent
They make an excuse why they don't want to continue – ‘it’s late’, ‘I’m tired’, ‘maybe later’
If your sexual partner is doing any of these then STOP, ask how they are feeling, if they feel safe and comfortable or if they want to take a break.
When you are in a relationship it may be that one of you wants to have sex more than the other or is more sexually adventurous. When does compromising to have sex become a lack of consent? How can you recognise whether your sexual partner is just agreeing to appease you?
It may well depend on the power dynamic in the relationship. Here are some questions you can ask yourself:
Do you always initiate sex?
Does your sexual partner seem uncomfortable saying ‘no’ to sex?
Do you keep asking them to have sex or try something when they have already said ‘no’ to it?
Do you rarely or never have conversations around preferences and boundaries in the bedroom?
Do you think the other person is intimidated or threatened by you? This could be physically or emotionally (for example, you threaten to leave them or make them feel guilty for not having sex with you).
If the answer to any of these questions is ‘yes’ then it is very possible your sexual partner has discomfort or reluctance around having sex. It is important to discuss this with them calmly and without blame.
Have a look at Part 3 for some ideas of how to initiate these conversations. Talking about sex is not limited to the bedroom – having these chats before any sexual activity occurs could remove some of the pressure.
Having different sexual desires and wants is normal. It could be something you can work through together so that you both enjoy your relationship and sex life. Or it may mean that you are ultimately incompatible.
BUT forcing your desires and wants on someone else maybe be a form of coercive control or abuse and it is never okay. Have a look at the following sections for guidelines on recognising if you may be a victim of coercive control and see the resource section for links to services that can help.